I have written a number of points below, of which the last two seem the most important. I’d like to rewrite this into a fuller essay at some point, but I’d prefer to post a rough version now and hold the option of editing later.
- It’s hard to tell if someone is a great parent. If you can’t measure something, you can’t reward it. And it’s not feasible to reward (with status) mere participation.
- Relatedly, the variance in outcome is not driven by skill to the extent it is in other types of work.
- Genetics determine about half the variance in many measurable traits people care about.
- Even the best parent will see a lot of variance in their children, in a way an excellent software engineer will not.
- I do think there is such a thing as a 20x parent. But I don’t think there’s such a thing as a 100x parent, whereas I do think there is such a thing as a 100x engineer.
- This is half because the floor is high with parenting (assuming no abuse, but not assuming no neglect).
- …and half because the ceiling is lower. No matter how amazing a parent you are, you will probably be a small part of their psychological lives after their preteen years. There isn’t such a thing as parenting 100 children or working 80 hour weeks as a parent.
- If someone is a great parent, it is not really the case that they can parent a random kid in exchange for money or meritocratic placement in a position of power. Status is a representation of the possession of benefits you can move around: information, introductions, advice, invitations, investment. You cannot move around the benefits being a good parent.
- As an extension, the benefits of being a good parent primarily accrue to one’s own family, and secondarily and indirectly to “society”. It is extremely reasonable not to award status for excellence that mostly benefit one’s own kin. (This is also why housework can’t be high status unless you have a lot of guests.)
Stay at home parents will never be high status for being parents. The value we provide is not fungible, easily correlatable to our efforts, or socially acceptable to negatively evaluate. It’s possible to enforce politeness but not respect.
I think society can (and should) subsidize and accommodate SAHPs, but they cannot make us high status. It requires great confusion about what status is for and how it comes about to consider this a cultural project worth pouring energy into.