In 2023, I ended the most tumultuous relationship of my life. My partner and I had conflicts neither of us fully understand, and we weren’t able to give each other what we needed to recover from the damage of each one. We put enormous effort into analysis and repair, but at a certain point we were too worn out to continue.
Once we decided to break up, we quickly agreed that we wanted a ceremony officiated by a particular person who was close to both of us. We scheduled it for about 4 weeks out. This felt like the right amount of time to me. 3 also would have worked well.
We also agreed to be fully dating right up until the end of the ceremony, and enjoy the remaining time together. We bought each other a few last gifts and finished a TV show we’d been watching together for over a year.
After the ceremony we did not speak to each other again.
the script
- Brief opening remarks from the officiator about witnessing us release and forgive each other, and starting the next chapter of our lives
- The officiator asking us each in turn:
- A, how did B make you happy? What did you like about them?
- A, how did B help you grow? What did you learn, and what important things did you get?
- A, why are you breaking up? Why is this the right choice for you right now?
- A, how do you intend to honor this relationship’s impact on you as you grow into the next phase of your life?
- An impromptu addendum I made ended up feeling important, so I’m splicing in retroactively into the script as if the officiator said it.
- Officiator: You two are both flawed people who have shown varying degrees of stupidity and malice. But somehow the chaos and damage that came out of the relationship are greater than the sum of your flaws. It’s hard to understand how two honestly-not-that-evil people could hurt each other so much. You have been tempted at times, seeing the whole of the damage, to think “that’s me / I did that” or “that’s him / he did that”. But neither are true. The way this relationship hurt is not who you are. The way the other person’s actions hurt is not who they are. I’d like you both acknowledge this.
- Officiator: A – the way you have been hurt because of this relationship and B’s actions is not who B is. Do you see that clearly?
- A: B – the way I have been hurt because of this relationship and your actions is not who you are, and I see that clearly.
- (repeat for B)
- The officiator asking us each to repeat the vows:
- Do you, A, promise to honor the positive memories and let go of any bitterness or regret?
- Do you, A, release B as a romantic partner?
- Do you, A, bless B as they enter the next phase of their life?
implementation notes
Section 2 was the meatiest one. My ex and I both wrote answers in advance, agreeing in advance to aim for around 200 words per answer.
I strongly recommend recording the session. Occasionally listening to it after the breakup helped enormously.
I wish I’d thought to ask for longer pauses. The ceremony really wanted breathing room so that we could take in the things we were saying to each other. It would have been ideal for me personally if I’d gotten 10 seconds after each section 2 answer, and 5 seconds after every section 4 vow.
We had a separate, impromptu, playful ritual the day before the breakup ceremony where we blessed each other extensively – we blessed each other’s families, friends, communities, future spouse, future children, nuclear power, and standardized testing, while tossing flowers we’d gathered while river kayaking into the sea. I really enjoyed this. If we hadn’t done that, I might have converted the last vow into its own section, where we take N turns blessing each other’s (current and future) loved ones and endeavors. I think N should be around 15 each.
why though
It felt much, much better to do.
I’ve had four breakups, and this is the only one where having a ceremony seemed like the right call.
I don’t remember which of us brought up the idea, but the other immediately agreed. I hadn’t heard of anyone doing it. I just knew it solved a problem I had.
While trying to fix the relationship, I’d been driven a bit mad by the open question of whether it would Get And Stay Fixed or not. The sensation of the answer resolving to no was extremely painful.
For me, the biggest obstacle to ending the relationship was having to kill the hope that we’d get to a point where loving each other was easy. It wasn’t a hope I could just kick dirt over. It wanted a loving funeral.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for a relationship where ‘fade-out’ relationships where one or more party didn’t feel investment. It does feel appropriate for relationships that are not working out despite mutual investment.