Day 1 (Aug 21 evening)
True aim: see if I can get to a point of energy, libido, fitness, subtle masculinization, and clitoral growth that I’m happy with. Proxy aim: get to the upper end (70ng/dl) of natural cis female T levels, or a little higher, into the between zone.
ChatGPT thinks that I should start with 1/10th of a pump of the bottle I was prescribed to reach this proxy aim. My provider wouldn’t even guess at what my T levels would be at the prescribed dosage. I found this ludicrous but my friend who knows what they’re talking about says variance is indeed absurdly high. Tenth is hard to measure. I squirted a full pump into a spoon to eyeball gel volume – taking a video with my index fingertip for scale – and then squirted what I thought was a sixth of the full pump.
Day 7
I’ve been tired and angry and picking more fights, but this is impossible to separate from having had an unusually bad week on childcare.
Day 9
Yeah, something’s up. The conflict I referred to in the previous update felt organic and narratively earned, but this morning I blew my top about something that felt absolutely bewildering afterwards. “I’m sorry,” I said a few hours later. “I genuinely don’t understand why that pissed me off. I was 100% in the wrong.”
Day 10
Drove to see a friend and had a surprisingly easy time with it. Driving makes me nervous – I zone out easily, and I fear I’m not integrating all the info coming at me. I err on taking stimulants if I have to drive, but today I’ve been off them.
In fact, I’ve been taking stimulants less than usual. My usual impetus for taking stimulants is “I have to get a specific thing done today” or “I see that I am a non-sapient mind burdened with the duties of a sapient, I’d better take medication”.
Looking at the past 10 days, including today, I skipped Ritalin/Adderall 4 days. (Addendum from day 20: the subsequent 10 day period contained 3 skips.)
In the three 10-day periods prior to starting T, I skipped stimulants 1 time, 2 times, and 1 time.
Day 12 (Sep 2)
Woke up, hugged boyfriend, who said I now have a subtly male smell. That was fast. Maybe too fast, indicating my dose is higher than I want? I’m going to start using an even smaller bead of gel.
I don’t mind, but I used to smell like nothing (according to others), even when I hadn’t showered for 5 days. This let me get away with a certain lifestyle that I will miss.
As long as testosterone gives me more time (via more energy) than additional showers takes away…
Day 14
I seem more functional on less sleep, but instead of sleeping the same amount and having better days, I immediately adjusted to play Magic the Gathering online for longer in the late hours. Horrible. Not sure I deserve happiness.
I continue to drive more: picking up food, giving friends rides. The part of my brain that was monitoring “is driving to do X a good idea?” responds with “yes” at a higher rate.
It feels like I’m 50% less anxious and 20% more alert on the road.
I’m seeing scent and energy changes sooner than most redditors say to expect them, so I’ve gone down to a smaller bead of gel. I have no idea what it is. A fifteenth of a pump? A twentieth?
Wondering about the upcoming physical changes, which are almost irrelevant compared to the promise of more energy. Testosterone could, for example, make the difference between stopping at three children because I’m exhausted and feeling like I could handle a fourth one. It could enable more family vacations. I might die sooner, but leave behind a larger corpus of work. Or maybe I’d die later, because I’d exercise more if the gains came easier. I am not all that concerned with my body compared to these things.
But it doesn’t mean the bodily changes don’t have valence. Some are negative – I’m vain about my longish hair and would hate to go bald. I mildly dislike the thought of being hairy. I don’t mind the scent change, but I do mind needing to shower more. I feel very positively about having a deeper voice – I’ve always wanted one. I feel positively about a subtly masculinized face. Personally, I like the thought of looking like a woman who doesn’t quite pass. It feels right.
I have to say that because it’s correct, but I feel the pressures of various cultural currents catch on that rightness and pull it in ways I dislike. The imagined gaze of people who, if shown that rightness, will find it the most relevant thing. Oh, if it feels right to look and sound like that – that’s the central thing.
That?
Day 23
The rate of partner fights slowed down after the first 8 days; I think I’m still above baseline, though.
More to come, but posting this now so that I can start linking this log elsewhere.